Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Fantastic? More like the Lethargic Four
Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer sucks... a lot.

(June 15) In 2005, director Tim Story (Taxi) gave the world a gift. The gift was ‘Fantastic Four,' a film adaptation on the popular Marvel comic book franchise. Unfortunately, all those who received this atrocious excuse for a present immediately searched for their receipt in a desperate attempt to return it.

With its goofy, absurd story (complete with unexplainable, bewildering plot holes), ‘Fantastic Four' made the shiny, impenetrable armor of Marvel's film franchise weak and vulnerable to attacks. It would go on to do well at the box office, which as we all know, is the true indicator of a first-class film (these days, anyway).

With that being said, the people over at Fox Studios decided it would be a good idea to keep Tim Story involved with a sequel project. Lets get this out of the way right now - Tim Story hasn't made a good film in his whole pathetic career. Who thought it would be a good idea to get the director of ‘Barbershop' and ‘Taxi' to do a superhero film? I wish I knew so I could strangle them with my bare hands.

Anyway, Armageddon didn't happen this year (unfortunately) and the release of ‘Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer' was inescapable. This time around Marvel combined another popular franchise and introduced the Silver Surfer to movie audiences around the world. Look, I love the Surfer, he's one of my favorite characters. It's ill-fated he didn't get his own film and instead was forced into participating in this torturous exercise in bad writing and even worse acting.

I guess this is the part of the review where I have to talk about the story - the plot of the film (if that's what you want to call it). It goes a little something like this: The Fantastic Four's greatest villain, Dr.Doom (Julian McMahon), is dead and life has returned to normal.

Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd) and Sue Storm (Jessica Alba) make plans to get married, but are interrupted when cosmically charged herald Silver Surfer (voiced by Laurence Fishburne) and Galactus (a giant cosmic storm that devours planets) show up. As the mysterious Surfer scouts the planet for his master, the Fantastic Four must attempt to stop him before it's too late.

If I told you everything that was bad, poorly done or just plain idiotic about this film, this modest review would quickly turn into an analytical cinematic thesis paper. Tim Story had destroyed the story of the Fantastic Four. For every one thing he does right, he disgraces the fans 27 times over.

Much how Joel Schumacher took things a little too far with 1997's ‘Batman & Robin,' or even how Brett Ratner shot the ‘X-Men' series in the foot with ‘X-Men: The Last Stand' so too has Tim Story destroyed a franchise.

‘Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer' is filled with kiddy, campy fluff and is easily best suited for minds of that age. Any intelligent life form with a reading level superior to a third grader should stay clear of this pointless waste of time and money.

This film makes ‘Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector' look like ‘Schindler's List' - it makes ‘Weekend at Bernie's 3' look like Shakespeare.

The only good parts of this movie were any time when the Silver Surfer was on the screen - everything else should be avoided. The acting is downright laughable and devoid of any thought or emotion.

This movie is so predictable and cliché, there's really no point in seeing it unless you're into masochism and get pleasure from pain. If that's the case then please do your libido a favor and check out ‘Fantastic Four 2,' if not - save your money for a good summer film like ‘Transformers.'
Reviewed by: adam
16 Comment(s)
Kevin E. said...
Completely agree. I think the reason that the silver surfer seemed so depressed throughout the move was that he didn't know if the movie would ever end.

I would rather floss my teeth with toenail clippings (mine or someone else's) than watch this movie again.
Shea said...
one time i actually did that. I needed to floss a spot so bad that i tore off my own thumb nail to pick out the imposterous piece of food.
Paul said...
Ugh...he's not kidding either

So, I feel like I need to stick up for this movie some. Sure it's on the lame side of the Hollywood comic book adaptation scale, and sure the 4 don't exactly make a lasting impact on us. However, I have to say that I like the Surfer. The humanity, and broken-hearted stoicism that he brought added some depth to an otherwise shallow tale. Not to mention the fact that Galactus was awesome! Sure he's a giant cloud, but he's huge and he's eating earth! Would you rather some weird space giant be literally taking bites out of the planet! COME ON!

And to all of you Marvel fanboys out there who would complain that the Surfer needed his own movie (sorry Adam) or that "ewww, that's not how Galactus looks (pushes up glasses with forefinger)", stop complaining and take it for what it is. Oh, and get off Spiderman 3's back too!

(END RANT)
Shea said...
Well I have mixed feelings about this post.

But first...remember when we wanted to give Adam an awesome action figure statue for X-mas? Remember when we ended up putting dry ice in a jar and handing it to him saying, we got you Galactus? Punch delivered.

Second...i agree with you on the Surfer.

Three...I cant take your response seriously...mainly because those are the same typing fingers that say we give out too many 5 stars...COME ON!! Now your sticking up for Fantastic 4? Get outta my face. I guess you want me to transfer all the stars on over to the 5th Element too.

Four...Yes...get off Spidey 3's back.
Paul said...
Ahh, what a great Christmas gift indeed. Yes, Galactus is a cloud, yes, there is something very funny about that...but it's the first time I've seen an all consuming creature on a planetary scale...it looked sweet.

Oh, and did I say anywhere that FF42 should get 5 stars sucka? No, I would maybe give it three. This movie is NOT on par with Dead Alive, it was an entertaining piece of Hollywood-remanufactured cinema, complete with lame-o PG cheezy comic relief and a dash of Michael Bay. Compared to other Comic book movies, would you put it on par with the Punisher, or would you put it on par with Daredevil?

Eww, counter-punch to yo face!
Shea said...
3!!!!!!!!? Dead Alive was better than this movie. Did you not see the horrible dance scene with Stretch?(not to be confused with the amazing one in S3)

Dude...the movie sucks. The move was horrible. Mount up.
Paul said...
Dead Alive was better than this movie??? Respect for Shea's opinion: 0

Lets let our readers decide. Go and watch Dead Alive (which btw, shea couldn't finish), and tell us how it is. Oh, and you might have a hard time finding such a great piece of cinema art such as Dead Alive, may I suggest starting with Peter Jackson's collection of "Reasons why I don't know how I got to direct Lord of the Rings" memorabilia?
Shea said...
Ok ok...i submit. You think F42 is awesome. No more stones...

DA? Yeah the only reason I didn't make it all the way through is because of the 300 pounder(all muscle) watching it with me couldnt handle all the blood. But techically I did see it all becasue we fast forwarded at 2x speed. So I did see every bloody hack.

I can learn more from DA than any freaking F4 movie.

DA is a bette rmovie than Surfer..hands down.
Adam said...
I'm not really a Marvel fanboy - but I am an appreciator of fine work, and there's simply nothing to appreciate in this waste of film.

As far as being a Marvel fan goes, I can admit that all of their film adaptations SUCK with the exception of the first two X-Men films and the first two Spider-Man films. Much in the way as DC (Batman) fanboys such as yourselves can say the same for hits like Superman IV, Batman and Robin and Catwoman.

The problem is, Silver Surfer is a great character and one of Marvel's best comic licenses. He deserved his own film - there is too much depth in his character to be wasted on the likes of a bad Alba wig and some silly dance sequences. His own little universe is filled with so many characters and such a great mythos, it's really a shame he got raped by Tim Story.

The CGI was decent - nothing really incredible, but enough to get the job done. When the surfer was stripped of his power, however, he looked like one of those fruity background thugs from Power Rangers - completely fake with no chance of believability. If you'll notice in my review I say the only good thing about the film is the surfer - the acting and plot are atrocious.

Then there's Spider-Man 3, which could have been a good film if it would have stuck to just Sandman. I actually enjoy the first half of the film, before venom and the gang show up - then it just gets silly. You've got memento-struck Harry runnin around on a flying snowboard, and Topher Grace giving the worst performance of his short career.

I think it's really unquestionable - FF2 is the worst marvel film. Even Punisher is better, because at least it works as a silly action flick.

I will say this though - I don't understand how Jackson got the LOTR either to be honest. Obviously we know now he's an amazing director but his earlier work barely shows signs of it. I feel the same for Sam Raimi, except the part about him being an amazing director. He's cheesy and campy and I don't see the attraction. Lucky for him he's got the cult fanatics on his side...


Shea said...
btw...i am tired of defending Adam's review. I step down. Maybe I would give it a whole star...huh? I submit I submit. F4 earns a whole star...and maybe i will take a half a star from Diving Bell...oh these crimes of passion.
Shea said...
WOE! BAD TASTE WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!

Decent CG? Do I need to bring up how bad the dance sequence looked? Those stretchy arms were pathetic. The SPEED channel does better CG!
Adam said...
I meant on the surfer, the CG was decent - no, believe me... I remember that dance scene, and I wish for the life of me I could forget it.

The film's lucky it got HALF a star... I would have given it one and a half stars if I hadn't seen it, that's how bad it is.
Paul said...
(look what you started Kevin)

Let me close with this. Yes, there is a LOT bad about this movie (omg dance scene with Mr. Gaytastic), and yes Adam, the surfer does deserve his own movie. But the fact that there is SOMETHING as cool as him in the movie (sans power ranger outfit), you have to say it is better than the worst.

Please...Elektra? The Hulk? FF1!?

My final score...2 stars
Shea said...
I think we can all agree to give it one star...

Uhh...yeah the Hulk sucked but it was better than F42...I enjoyed F41 when i saw it. I knew it was a bad movie but I still enjoyed it...more than this one.

So lets end it by saying...ONE STAR...cant we all jsut get along.
Squib said...
Ok. I have four things to say about F4/Marvel movies.

1) F4 wasn't really very good, but I have definitely seen worse (Poseidon, Pathfinder, I could go on)

2) Hulk was WAY WAY WAY worse than F4

3) Jessica Alba is one of the hottest creatures on the planet

4) Jessica Alba is one of the hottest creatures on the planet

That is about all I have to say about F4


WaywardJam (http://reelwhore.blogspot.com) said...
Hi Everybody! I want to drop my two cents in on this.

First, I thought F42 was better than FF1. Second, I thought FF1 sucked massively like nearly all Marvel films (I exclude the Spider-Man trilogy, the first two X-Men films, and Blade from this). I equate FF1 and F42 to the crappiness of Daredevil, Elektra, Ghost Rider, and especially Punisher and Hulk!

The Stretch dance CG was about as awesome as Freddy's ever-expanding arms in Nightmare on Elm Street...yeah, that good.

No doubt, Jessica Alba is hot (though not so much as a blonde). Surprisingly, hotness must count for a lot in Hollywood since she can't act her way out of a wet paper sack.

I like Marvel, I'd like them more if they weren't such money grubbers throwing out product after product with no regard for quality. If they really want to make money they should print scenes of FF1 and F42 on toilet paper, because myself and others would pay for the opportunity to wipe our arses with them.